Speaker & Worship Leader:- Kate Lewis
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Kate Lewis © 22 December 2024
Given that we’ve been communicating with each other since birth, it’s a wonder that it is still so difficult for most of us. Too often, we misunderstand, hurt and offend each other and only listen to each other enough to be able to rebut the other person’s point of view. Although our second principle includes striving for compassion in human relations, often our communication is anything but. Maybe there’s a better way.
In this talk, I’ll introduce you to the basic principles of nonviolent communication and my experience of it. The only way to get an idea of what it’s like is to see it in action, so Ted and I will do a little demonstration.
The meaning of the term “nonviolent communication” is not intuitive, which is why even its founder wasn’t happy with it. The founder, Marshall Rosenberg, coined the term after the meaning of nonviolence as used by Mahatma Ghandi: “our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.” But later Rosenberg wanted to focus on what it is rather than what it is not. Thus another term embraced by the community is “compassionate communication.”
Having said that, Nonviolent Communication is what most people call the method and principles that have now been used by Rosenberg’s followers since the 60’s, and for that reason I’ll continue using it and shorten it to NVC.
Ted introduced me to Nonviolent Communication – NVC – after he met a skilled practitioner and did some NVC exercises as part of his men’s group Essentially Men. Ted and I participated in a 90-minute online workshop with two New Zealand-based NVC teachers, Wayne Prince and Deb Hipperson. They did a demonstration, and then we did a brief practice session. I was left reeling. Honestly I found the experience almost erotic; I told Ted’s friend the NVC expert that he should put it as a skill on his Tinder page.
I felt heard, really heard. I saw my practice partner – and this applies to any person with whom you practice nonviolent communication, not just your close relationships – listening to me in a way that I have rarely experienced in all my life. Imagine believing that someone listening to you is focused on you, really listening, focused on drawing out the feelings and human needs behind what you are saying.
It is very hard for most of us to know what our needs are and usually people struggle to identify their feelings. Part of NVC training is getting a list of feelings and needs so we can consult the list when we don’t know what we’re experiencing in our body. We experience many more feelings beyond joy, anger, sadness, and fear. Examples of needs are honesty, respect, understanding, emotional safety, physical touch, and fun.
I haven’t told you yet what happens in a nonviolent communication exchange so I’ll do that now. The purpose is for the speaker to have an experience of being listened to with compassion and empathy. When the speaker talks, the listener listens and shows the speaker that she is listening by reflecting back to them in their words what she has heard. It requires that the listener be very focused on the speaker, trying to understand and withhold judgement.
The core method of NVC is a four-step process undertaken by both the speaker and the listener.
- Assuming they’re talking about something that has happened or something that has been said, first they make the observation – what has actually happened in as neutral language as possible.
- Then the speaker says the feelings that they are having as a result of the event.
- Then the speaker expresses their human needs that were or were not met as a result of the event.
- Then the speaker may express a request, something that could be done differently to help the situation.
Throughout this exchange the listener is repeating back what she has heard to show the speaker that she is listening closely. Sometimes the listener asks about feelings or needs to help the speaker find clarity; this is where the empathy comes in – showing someone that they are listening so closely as to help the speaker express themselves deeply.
I’ll invite Ted up to help with a short demonstration of how this can work.
- Person A clearly expresses an observation of what has happened. Person A does not evaluate or express an opinion, but just says what happened. “You offered and we agreed that because I was working late you would be in charge of emptying the dishwasher today. When I came home it was still full of clean dishes.”
- Person A says the feeling he or she experiences associated with what happened. “I feel disappointed, frustrated, and tired.”
- Person B repeats the observation and the feelings. “We agreed that I would empty the dishwasher today, and when you came home it was still full. You felt disappointed, frustrated, and tired.”
- Person A says the need or value behind the feelings. “My need for respect is not being met. My need for order and ease of life are not being met.”
- Person B repeats the needs. “Your needs for respect, for order and ease are not being met.”
- Person A makes a request: “When we agree that you will do something during the day, can you please do it before I get home?”
- Person B responds. The answer may be no. If it’s no then they start again with feelings and needs and figure out how the situation can be resolved.
Then maybe Person B starts again with observations, feelings, needs, and a request.
Notice this: Nowhere in that exchange did Person A accuse Person B of doing something wrong. There was no blame or criticism. There were no sweeping statements, “You never do what you say you will” “You always ignore what we agreed on”. It was very personal to Person A. This is what happened, this is my experience, my feelings, and what I really need right now is X, and those needs not being met led to my feelings. The result of this is that Person B understands how her actions affect Person A in a personal way. We want to help the person when we understand where they are coming from. Person B is left with their dignity. It is a win for both parties.
This takes a lot of discipline. It takes practice. It is hard to be absolutely furious at someone and not tell them all about what they did wrong and how they hurt you. With increasing skill NVC practitioners can use the technique on others who do not know anything about it, showing them compassion and empathy and helping them feel heard and validated. Our first principle is that we honor the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and I think nonviolence communication is a means of doing that.
My experience has been that nonviolent communication liberates me from elements of communication that I have almost always had in my personal relationships and therefore, inadvertently, in my professional relationships as well. The main one for me includes consistently hearing judgment and criticism. I also do a lot of second guessing, making assumptions about what the person who’s talking to me means that’s not being said. In NVC we listen and practice empathy. Period. The structure is strict – we do not express opinions, judgment, pity, or suggestions about how to solve the problem.
For most people learning nonviolent communication involves unlearning unhelpful communication techniques that they have been practicing their whole lives. It took me a year of doing NVC to understand that expressing my feelings was not the same as blaming someone for causing them and the same with expressing my needs.
For example, the statement “This interaction with you did not meet my need for respect” is not the same as blaming them for disrespecting you? But it’s not. It’s not the same. I can say that and the person I’m talking to does not need to hear criticism. The person can look into themselves and think, yes, I get that. I have experienced something like that in my past, and I get it.
Examples of “violent” communication are when we use language to manipulate or blame, or to cause fear, shame, or guilt, either intentionally or unintentionally. It’s also making demands rather than requests; we are taught that if we’re asking someone to do something we should look at our feelings and thoughts about it. How would we feel if the person said no? If they can’t say no then it’s a demand, not a request. Nonviolent communication lets us interact with another person from a place of compassion and empathy, letting them feel heard at a deep level.
Because the very first principle of nonviolent communication, as taught by our teachers, is this: “NVC begins with me.” Starting NVC means getting better in touch with yourself; you need to know yourself pretty well to be able to enunciate your feelings and needs.
This is where nonviolent communication becomes a means towards personal growth and spiritual practice much deeper than just a communication technique. In order to be compassionate, empathetic people we need to sort out some of our own demons; if we don’t, those hurts and pains from our past interfere with our ability to empathize with someone else. It is hard to be with someone and supporting them when we are so caught up with our own needs.
One of the things I like about nonviolent communication is what it doesn’t do, which is to have us trying to solve other people’s problems. One of the sections in Marshall Rosenberg’s book is titled,”Don’t just do something, stand there.“ Don’t just do something, stand there. Be with me. Sit with me when I’m in a dark place. Hear me. Sitting together and speaking with compassion and empathy, helps others feel heard and honored. For me this in itself is a spiritual practice.
Links
Opening Words:- are from “Come into this circle of community. Come into this sacred space” By Andrew Pakula
Chalice Lighting:- is “Thirsty” By Gregory Pelley
Closing Words:- “A Blessing for Risk-Takers and Failures” By Robin Tanner